Mar 27, 2025

The Role of Extended Family in Helping Children Through Divorce

Children and Divorce

When parents split up, the ripple effects go way beyond just mom and dad. If you’re a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin, you’ve probably wondered what you can do to help the kids you love during this tough time. Trust me, your role matters more than you might think. The stability and emotional support you provide can make a world of difference in how children adjust to their new family reality.

Understanding Your Impact as Extended Family

Kids going through their parents’ divorce desperately need steady support from the adults who care about them. When you’re extended family, you represent something that isn’t changing in a time when everything else seems to be turning upside down. We’ve seen firsthand how important this is—research backs it up, too. Strong connections with extended family help kids build resilience when their immediate family is restructuring.

Don’t underestimate your influence. Children who have supportive extended family typically handle the emotional roller coaster better, develop stronger coping skills, and show more positive outcomes after divorce compared to kids without these crucial connections. The sense of security you provide helps them face uncertainty with more confidence and less fear about what comes next.

Navigating Your Role During the Transition

Those first few months after parents announce their separation are especially hard on children. During this critical time, how you interact with and support the kids in your life requires extra thoughtfulness and care.

Maintaining Neutrality

One of the best things you can offer is a drama-free zone. Kids really benefit when you avoid bad-mouthing either parent in front of them—even if you’re tempted to take sides. Try not to ask probing questions about the other parent or dig for details about the separation. Keep conversations focused on the children themselves—their feelings, activities, and experiences—rather than divorce drama.

Remember that kids see themselves in both their parents. When you criticize mom or dad, children often internalize that criticism, thinking, “That bad part of mom/dad is also in me.” This damages their self-esteem and creates painful loyalty conflicts on top of everything else they’re dealing with.

Creating a Safe Haven

Your home can become a place where kids experience some much-needed normalcy amid all the changes. Think about keeping familiar routines when they visit—maybe it’s Saturday morning pancakes or Friday night movies that haven’t changed since before the divorce. Have some special comfort items at your place—a favorite blanket, stuffed animal, or even their own designated coffee mug.

You might also start some new traditions that acknowledge things have changed while celebrating your continuing relationship. Kids crave predictability when everything feels chaotic, so the consistency you offer helps them feel safe when other parts of life seem uncertain.

Practical Ways to Support Children After Divorce

There are so many meaningful ways you can support kids navigating their parents’ divorce. Just being emotionally available and consistently present makes a huge difference in how children adapt to their new normal. One of the most important things you can do is help handle your children’s emotional reactions with patience, empathy, and consistency.

Be Consistently Present

Being reliable helps kids feel secure during and after divorce. Show up for the important stuff—recitals, ball games, school plays—letting them know their achievements still matter. Regular phone calls, texts, or video chats help kids feel connected to you even when you can’t be there in person.

Following through on what you promise builds trust at a time when kids might be dealing with broken promises or uncertainty in other relationships. Regular visits or activities give them something positive to look forward to when much of life might feel disappointing or confusing.

Listen Without Judgment

Kids desperately need safe spaces to express how they feel about the divorce. When you listen without jumping in to fix things or dismiss their feelings, you validate that their emotions matter. Try reflective listening—”Sounds like you’re really angry about moving to a new house”—to show you truly hear and accept what they’re feeling.

Avoid those well-meaning but unhelpful phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or “Someday you’ll understand this was for the best.” These comments, though well-intentioned, can make kids feel like their very real pain doesn’t matter.

Let them know it’s okay to feel confused, angry, sad, or even relieved—all feelings are welcome, even the messy, contradictory ones.

Support Parental Relationships

Children do so much better when extended family supports their relationships with both parents. Make an effort to speak respectfully about both Mom and Dad, regardless of your personal feelings about what happened. Encourage kids to maintain connections with the other parent’s family, too, reassuring them they haven’t lost important relationships.

Acknowledge important events in both family lines, reinforcing that children belong to both family systems. Support the parenting schedule by respecting boundaries and arrangements the parents have established—this reduces conflict and confusion for everyone, especially the kids.

Special Considerations for Different Family Members

Different family relationships offer unique ways to support children through divorce. Understanding your specific role helps you provide the most effective support.

Grandparents

As grandparents, you have a special place in children’s lives—you’re the keepers of family history and often the providers of unconditional love without the complications of day-to-day parenting responsibilities. Maintain that special grandparent magic without trying to replace either parent or compensate for what you perceive as parenting gaps.

Practical help—like rides to soccer practice or homework assistance—supports both the kids and their overwhelmed parents. Create opportunities for pure fun and relaxation away from divorce tensions, giving children emotional breaks from the stress at home. Share family stories that help kids understand they’re still connected to both sides of their family, strengthening their sense of identity and belonging during a time when they might question who they are.

Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins

These extended family relationships provide kids with an expanded support system that’s particularly valuable during family transitions. You offer age-appropriate friendship and mentoring from adults who care deeply but aren’t entangled in parental decisions and conflicts.

Cousin relationships are especially valuable, giving kids peer support from children who understand the family context but aren’t experiencing the same household upheaval. Creating opportunities for normal social interactions and play helps maintain a sense of ordinary childhood despite extraordinary family changes. When you model healthy relationships and communication, you show children that positive family connections are possible even after divorce.

When Extended Family Relationships Become Complicated

Sometimes, divorce brings tensions into extended family relationships that require careful handling. Working through these challenges thoughtfully helps ensure children don’t lose important connections during an already difficult transition.

Respect parental boundaries, even when you disagree with them or find them difficult to accept. If serious conflicts arise about family access or relationships, consider mediation—professional guidance often helps resolve issues more constructively than continued conflict. Always focus on what truly benefits the children rather than adult grievances or choosing sides in the divorce. Family therapy can be invaluable when extended family relationships become strained or contentious.

Moving Forward Together

Kids thrive when their entire support network works together for their well-being. As extended family, you can help children adjust by communicating respectfully with everyone involved in their lives. Be flexible as family structures evolve, including potential step-family relationships that may develop. Try to celebrate the child’s important milestones collaboratively when possible, working toward cooperative events for significant occasions. Show children through your example that families can change shape while remaining loving and supportive.

Your Lasting Impact as Family Anchors

The role you play as extended family is truly irreplaceable in a child’s journey through divorce. The consistent love, emotional support, and practical help you provide contribute enormously to their healing and adjustment. The stability you offer creates a foundation that helps children navigate this challenging transition with more confidence and security.

While divorce changes family structures, your ongoing presence reminds children that love continues and relationships endure. Your support not only helps them through the immediate challenges of divorce but also teaches powerful lessons about resilience, adaptation, and the enduring strength of family bonds that will serve them throughout their lives.